We never know we go,—when we are going
We jest and shut the door;
Fate following behind us bolts it,
And we accost no more.
Emily Dickinson
from the Ewing and Muriel Kauffman ~ Memorial Gardens
and for recommending a few of the titles below.
Without intending to follow a theme of any sort, I concluded this year's reading list with four narratives, all on the topic of terminal illness and impending death. Each of these authors was given an untimely diagnosis, which they all dealt with by determining to share their stories with others while they still had the time and health to do so. We are the richer for their determination to impart what mattered most to them when time was running short.
When Breath Becomes Air
by Paul Kalanithi (1977 - 2015)
with an "Epilogue" by his wife Lucy Kalanithi
"Lost in a featureless wasteland of my own mortality . . . I began reading . . . anything by anyone who had ever written about mortality. I was searching for a vocabulary with which to make sense of death, to find a way to begin defining myself and inching forward again. . . .
"And so it was literature that brought me back to life during this time. The monolithic uncertainty of my future was deadening; everywhere I turned the shadow of death obscured the meaning of any action. I remember the moment when my overwhelming unease yielded, when that seemingly impassable sea of uncertainty parted. I woke up in pain [and recalled] . . . Samuel Beckett's seven words, words I had learned long ago as an undergraduate . . . 'I can't go on. I'll go on'" (149).
Somebody I Used to Know
by Wendy Mitchell (b. 1956)
"When I sat down with Gemma and Sarah to discuss my wishes, laying on the homemade afternoon tea to sweeten the mood, I was surprised to hear how different their thoughts were about what I might want. But I was able to tell them. Imagine the sadness and emotional distress this would have caused if we hadn't talked. Imagine the upset and disagreement if we hadn't talked. Imagine the distance it may have put between them if we hadn't talked. Imagine the sadness I would have caused in my death that I couldn't put right, if we hadn't talked.
"Guilt is hard to live with, but it exists to help us put things right while we still have the chance" (173).
The Last Lecture
by Randy Pausch (1960 - 2008)
"Many cancer patients say their illness gives them a new and deeper appreciation for life. Some even say they are grateful for their disease. I have no such gratitude for my cancer, although I'm certainly grateful for having advance notice of my death. In addition to allowing me to prepare my family for the future, that time gave me the chance to go to Carnegie Mellon and give my last lecture. In a sense, it allowed me to 'leave the field under my own power.'"
" . . . There's something else. As a high-tech guy, I never fully understood the artists and actors I've known and taught over the years. They would sometimes talk about the things inside them that 'needed to come out.' I thought that sounded self-indulgent. I should have been more empathetic. My hour on the stage had taught me something. (At least I was still learning!) I did have things inside me that desperately needed to come out. I didn't give the lecture just because I wanted to. I gave the lecture because I had to" (204 - 05).
Mister Owita's Guide to Gardening: How I Learned
the Unexpected Joy of a Green Thumb and an Open Heart
by Carol Wall (1951 - 2014)
in memory of Giles Owita (d. 2008)
with an "Epilogue" by Carol's husband Dick Wall
"'Look under the tarps and choose a specimen you like' . . . Underneath, I found a sight whose quiet beauty took my breath away. In the shelter of the covered chairs and benches were a host of tiny seedlings, clearly thriving. They'd all been rescued ... I saw how all this while, beneath the unattractive surface, the gears of life had been turning, nature ticking beautifully along like the mesmerizing works of an expensive watch.
"Dr. Giles Owita's backyard rescue project had flourished despite illness and cold winds. Finding this felt like a Christmas morning discovery . . ." (239 - 40).
Giles & Carol Discuss Their Illnesses:
Giles: "Yes, we are doomed to constant vigilance."
Carol: "We have our own club. The downside is that it's a club no one wants to join. The upside is that we can talk about anything we want to, and no one can accuse us of being morbid. And it's oddly liberating. No one chides us about our weight or our triglycerides. There's no one to impress, and nothing else to be lost." (268)
Some Closing Thought from Dick Wall
"Something is going to get all of us. We will all die. Healing involves our response to this certainty -- our understanding of our place in the universe and our purpose in this life. Mister Owita resonates with so many people because Giles and Carol teach us that we are not defined by our afflictions -- we are to bear them with grace and dignity. We are to understand that 'the ground in winter, which looks awful . . . holds a thousand lovely secrets.' Giles and Carol teach us that, even in what seems like the hell of a final illness, 'every day brings something good'" (304).
Previous Posts on the Same Topic
Two - Part Invention: The Story of a Marriage
by Madeleine L'Engle (1918 - 2007)
in memory of Hugh Hale Franklin (1916 – 1986)
"Right now we must wait. The urologist is pleased . . . with Hugh's recovery, repeats that he is cautiously optimistic. But we do not know whether or not the sharks are still waiting to attack.
"They are" (212).
"Is he dying? Today? I don't know. Modern medicine has made it less and less easy for us to predict the imminence of death. . . . Hugh is the victim of modern medicine . . .
"But what was the alternative? This treatment . . . has cured people. The older methods, such as radiation, were successful only in postponing death, not in killing this kind of cancer. Had he not been given the platinum, what kind of death would he have suffered? I don't know the answer to these questions. but because we have new ways of treating disease, we use them. . . . If we had to make all the choices agan, what would we choose?" (217 - 18)
Tempting Faith: An Inside Story of Political Seduction
by David Kuo (1968 – 2013)
Chasing Daylight: How My Forthcoming Death
Transformed My Life
by Eugene O'Kelly (1952 - 2005)
Also recommended:
Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the End
by Atul Gawande
How We Die: Reflections of Life's Final Chapter
by Sherwin B. Nuland
Some favorite songs to go along with the above books.
I hope these links continue to work ~ videos & lyrics ~
definitely worth a watch, a listen, and a read:
Live Like You Were Dying
Tim McGraw
I Hope You Dance
Lee Ann Womack
How to Save a Life
The Fray
I Wanna See You Be Brave
Sara Bareilles
I Hope You Have the Time of Your Life
Green Day
We Are Young
Fun with Janelle Monae
I Just Want to Feel This Moment
Pitbull with Christina Aquilera
Photograph
Ed Sheeran
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